Then it came to me like crashing and thunder, like death and destruction. I got up from the counter and walked away in fear, walking fast down the boardwalk, passing people who seemed strange and ghostly: the world seemed a myth, a transparent plane, and all things upon it were here for only a little while; all of us, Bandini, and Hackmuth and Camilla and Vera, all of us were here for a little while, and then we were somewhere else; we were not alive at all; we approached living, but we never achieved it. We are going to die. Everybody was going to die. Even you, Arturo, even you must die.
There came over me a terrifying sense of understanding about the meaning and the pathetic destiny of men. The desert was always there, a patient white animal, waiting for men to die, for civilizations to flicker and pass into the darkness. Then men seemed brave to me, and I was proud to be numbered among them. All the evil of the world seemed not evil at all, but inevitable and good and part of that endless struggle to keep the desert down.


Entropy is a thermodynamic measure of the disorder of things. A process, any process, like ice melting, cancer forming, coffee cooling, can only occur if it contributes to the perpetually increasing disorderliness of the universe.

Every infinitesimal event adds to the chaos of things, feeds the swarm of monsters around and inside us.

Even life itself, the concentration and rearrangement of acids and atoms to form emotional creatures that love and hate and give names to things like 'entropy', only comes about as the very act of concentrating and organizing life causes the disruption of everything around it.

All we do is chaos. Isn't that cool?
Drunk driving:

We decided we earned a late morning (7:30), and leisurely packed up for our intended destination of Camper Bay. We sank under loose sand for most of the time, draining our energy, but compared to the mud and the rotting boardwalks of the forest trails, it was delightful: kilometers of the most pristine and virgin beaches, and not a cloud in the sky. We wondered aloud if these beaches and cliffs would one day be pools and condominiums. Along the way, we decided to cut our day's hike short and stop at Walbran Creek --we deserved the break, and we were a day ahead anyways.

(We crossed paths with a man running the trail in the opposite direction. He was a few minutes ahead of the world record apparently, and had nothing but runners and a little daypack.)

I checked the tide charts a few kilometers before Walbran, and we had a decision to make:we could take a route back through the forest to safely cross the creek via cable car, or we could try to beat the high tide and wade across while it was still possible.

How could we pass up the more direct and adventurous route? The hike was a breeze compared to the day before, and we were boundless. So we trekked onward through the sand, with snakes and ferrets by our feet; a deer in the distance; sea lions barking along the shore; tunnels and channels and caves and holes built by millions of years of ocean on rock. We arrived behind schedule--two hours before high tide. By then, the creek had swelled up below our chest, a heavy current that would take us out into the Pacific if we lost our footing.

And on the other side, bathed in sunshine, sandy beaches and logs and shade awaiting. We unclipped our gaiters, pulled the straps on our packs tight, and tip toed through the frigid water, soaked, smiles, warm. Only once I almost tripped. We were the first to arrive.

Walbran was paradise. I have never been somewhere so beautiful and flawless. We found a spot nested between large driftwood and dried cedar. The sand was warm and dry and comforting. To the heat, to the sun, to the crash of the waves and the hiss as it retreated, to the smell of salt and last night's fires, it was all perfect. We arrived around 3, and for the first time this trip, we had the luxury of time. So we rested.

We hung up our clothes, our packs, pitched the tent and sat with our backs against the logs and closed our eyes for a little while. Eventually, others trickled in, and the silence died. But we were warm, rested, comfortable and happy. I cannot think of a single moment or place I would rather be than at Walbran that day.

West Coast Trail
Cribs Creek
Some mornings I would tip-toe down the steps and take a deep breath and maybe close my eyes for a moment, and

When my nostrils prickled
And my father's signals
Felt as foreign and far as to us and the stars

When (through cracked eyelids)
I could see sun. breath. a stretch.

When every whisper from man or creature
Echoed over dirty ridges, like the Rockies, along the side of the road

When the air clenched my throat and ran its salty fingers through my eyes (still closed), then

Then I would open them again and sigh.
I was never tired in these mornings
Everything made a little sense in these mornings. But

Some mornings I would slip on the steps
Some mornings chilled the bone

Cold and anger not distant strangers but lovers,
Lovers that made breakfast together, snuck kisses around corners, rushed home to each other. Those kind of lovers.

Then a thorn in my head
Coaxing to a fall down a hole where I was three years ago

Day strains
Knees ache
Sometimes the waters break
And smiles and hellos are left unattended, sitting at a bus stop with nowhere to go

But then it was night,

A blanket to return to
Silencer of cars
Stretcher of shadows
Speaker of the secrets that i would love to know

A break of wave stretching to every crevice and hole and all that is left of daylight and its complications cower on their poles
In headlights and taillights
In the refrigerator

I had survived another spin on this satellite
And I would walk up the steps that I had tip-toed and slipped on