My friend Maggie Dort is the most beautiful, toughest, weirdest person I know. She is now training to be a fireman, but she is or has also been a Roller Derby MVP, a conservation scientist, a skateboarder, a writer, and a rioter. She's pretty great, me Dort is. Pretty great!

Maggie and I dated for years, and it was like if the guy your dad warned you about was dating the girl your mom was worried you might turn out to be. You've never met a sketchier pair of weirdo dorks in your life. Oh hello, what's your name? Hey. We asked you a question. When do you get off work? Want to go climb up on rooftops with us? What does your hair taste like?

But then, the reason we wouldn't call you back the next day? We were too busy holding hands and skateboarding! We were too busy learning new things together.

And endangering our lives for fun!

But this is not about me and me Dort, this is about Maggie! She just gets more and more awesome, the longer I know her. Even as I write this, she is probably sliding down a fireman pole with a big maniac grin on her face. She is probably catcalling at women in slinky dresses from the back of the firetruck.

Her roller derby name was Land Shark, and if you see her on the street you should probably not approach her. I'm not kidding. She knocks down bitches for fun. She knocks down bitches like she's ringing a bell. She doesn't love sport, she loves blood. She loves confusion and violence. She is like the platonic ideal of chaos.

She doesn't fuck around, is what I'm saying.

Except, of course, that she totally does fuck around. She's like a big goofy kid. She gets soft in the head for anything fluffy! SO FLUFFY! She has a heart full of fluffy love!

I have an IQ around 150 and she regularly makes me feel dumb. But not dumb like I'm not intelligent, dumb like I'm lazy in my thinking - like I'm better than I'm acting. She sees things with a clarity that is often a bit shocking. She's the only person I know who got kicked out of a private school.

And now I seem to be talking about me and me Dort again. I didn't mean to, but she is one of those friends who changes you, who doesn't stop changing you, who holds you to a higher standard and refuses to let you get away with bullshit. Also, she would probably bite a cop to defend and protect you.

Everybody should have a friend like Land Shark! A maniac with a good head on her shoulders! She's the smartest person I know, and if I ever get in a fight, I hope she's there with me, because holy shit. She would break you in two.

I am raving, a bit! Me Dort! I loves it.